first//only//neverfading//what’stheendofFidelity?//

 

i gave you every swallow of breath i could muster
you’ll never know, i can’t say it anymore
everything
is so easy to forget
but
when i said i love you unconditionally
(though we were young, years ago)
i meant it
i meant every word with every ounce of anything i am

i’ve kept my trying
of loving and dying
i can give it away but it’s just a pay
of credit
before they leave
—-
fine with me, they’re no you with your bloom of truth and poetry

writing was like breathing, too
because i had your loving seeding
deep inside of me
like a memory before time had even begun
nostalgic for a war i knew couldn’t be won
you –
my heart, my soul, my words, my poetry, my gravity
my best friend and deepest entity
the love of my life
who could never love me
not the same
i know-it’s no game just a haunting shame i alone can keep

it’s so easy (when i think of you)
i don’t even have to think
you are the light inside of me, despite everything
despite
that you could never love me
(you could never be in love with me, i think,
 though i’d choose you over any being
 over any dream— you’ve been my dream
 since meeting 
 a soul like yours)

i can be a whore
but giving my body is nothing
when i’m falling asleep and it’s always you whom i think
of
the only one who truly feels my touch
my love, my love, my fucking love, the curse
that makes me better and worse:
it’s always you

you are my nighttime sounds
the bounds
of my pillow
and the willowing of my nouns
the nouns that always come back to, come back
to you
you are the “you” i will always write
at night
the spite
i hold for being so bold
and never having the delicacy to know
our bodies 
like melted seams
between reality and dreams

you are my dreams
and my tears, i faced my greatest fears
through these years
i’ve loved others
i’ve cried for my mother’s
sacrifice
and no, it’s never right
i can give my body to those eyes within my sight
but no matter what whore i am
or the giving i gave that has been a sham
from the beginning

you are the one within me
the poetry
i could never stop giving
i can’t give you up
and i’ll watch you with your living
and your loving of
the boy i’m not——just a soul, i’m just a soul
oh, my darling, my muse i am so old
so spilling of what’s been told

but you are mine and mine alone
you are the heartbeat in my bones
the words of my faith like stone
birthed and passed in you like home

oh, dear, be my home
my love, my light,
you are my stone
and i’ll never leave
i’ll always save this part of me
just for you to own
can’t you love me some day, fill my hope?
this deep empty place i’ve made a cave for
just me, a lonely whore
who gave my heart before
to you only, my neediest more
i need you only
one day, (oh, it’s a lie) could you please please
                                    could you please please love me
i’ll keep paying
here without any sleep, giving you all my dreams
my darling -dreams- the only love that’s all for me

fidelity, you’ll always be the only one i see

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