you and me, nostalgia already?

Here it goes, the obsessive pain of repeating
our most lovely moments
like a masochistic game
-let’s see:: how much can i take?

Painting together
in the summer daylight,
Fleetwood Mac-on-vinyl delight,
knowing we both knew (already) that it was right,
love supple and ripe
relief in the night—
smoking two cigs at a time
beer drinking
(am i tipsy
or are you making me dizzy?)
my stomach swooping and tight

getting to know your body
and mine
for the first time-
you grabbed me
my hands against the wall
thighs wrapped
around your ears
hope my roommate doesn’t hear—
’thanks’, was all you said
and you smiled at me
i felt conviction in your stare
the shower head
washing over my hair
water in my eyes (don’t care)
while i gave you head
that afternoon after swimming,
as soon as we got there
like our bodies were magnets yearning for bare-
tight stomachs spilled
our bloody truths stained everywhere

when you cried in my car
and knew that i saw
inside you like you needed-
that was when i felt my love was seeded
in your weakness
and my deep breathing

every morning
i found you talking in your sleep
dreaming painfully
i love you, i’d say to your foggy eyes
kiss your lips, laugh at your tired sighs
then i’d go to class
excited to come back
to your warm body
and familiar hairy thighs
tangled with mine

our climax was so long
our sureness so strong
our nights spent together
drinking wine
and smoking weed
on your guitar you played songs
that made me want to cry—
everything was right, we were never wrong-
not when we were together

and then, it began
i started losing my best friend
when we lost our individuality
and my poetry
and my plans
and the gentleness of your hands
that never seemed
to want to leave
it was just us-
me, and my man
then there was a line
where we liked to stand
next to, to defend
our pointless plights-
it’s my fault how this started,
i went crazy
like always
driving you away from me
picking fights
testing your light-

despite how i thought this would end,
(strong, collective, respective)
i have just lost my best friend
and i can’t deny
despite my Pride
that i need you by my side

you left me
i regret everything
i can’t sleep
i vomit when i eat
but man, can i drink
i can drink and think
how i wish you were drunk with me
and i can listen to sad songs
and write sad poetry
and wake up without you next to me
like you were in my dreams
under the stars, kissing—

How much can I take?
Are you happy without me,
or are you just fake?
I loved you more, is that what you mean?
Now I’m torn

between the truth of my nostalgia
of you;;
you seem so far away
only after five days;;
I would take everything back if I knew
how my love for you, so true,
engulfing my everything,
would be gone so surely.

You’ll be with me, always,

I’m sorry, I apologize for everything, I’m sorry;
wish i could wake up next to you,
wish i was smoking weed with you,
like the old us that we knew.

Will I see you ever again,
as my best lover, my best friend—

what I’d do if only I knew
the pain of Without You-
what i’d do to go back to
when you and i began;;
so sure, me and my man.


((I’ll change, I’ll be a better me,
I can rearrange;
now I’ve seen.
It’s not you,
Are you in pain, as much as I, or are you free?))


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